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10.13.03 - 6:46 p.m. My letter to Dara...I am trying to not anger get the best of me... Dara, I am sure you are angry with me because I informed J.C. about your I.V drug use. From my perspective it seemed to be the right thing to do, because he has every right to know the environment in which Simon is being raised, and was sure he would want to know that you are being very irresponsible with your drug use…not that there is really a ‘responsible’ way to inject cocaine. I am very disappointed with the fact that you have been lying to me. You could have come to me and told me you were having problems, but instead you lied the first time I asked about the possibility of you shooting up…remember that when I found the needle next to Simon’s toothbrush? Do you also remember me saying that I did NOT want that in the house? Obviously, you didn’t respect my wishes. When we spoke on Thursday night you said something that I couldn’t believe. You said you had been talking to people who ‘supported you and understood.” Dara, I am sorry, but at this point you don’t need someone eating up all of your “I am a victim” talk, because it is only giving you false justification for the way you have been acting and treating those who really do care about you. D. and I have been there for you and Simon the entire time you have been living with us. Darren has fixed many meals for S. and spent a lot of quality time with him, and I don’t think you have ever really acknowledged this. We haven’t once given you a hard time or any ultimatums regarding the fact you have lived with us for 3 months without paying a cent. We may have treated the situation differently if we knew you were blowing your cash on coke. You have completely and totally taken advantage of our friendship, and now I am sure you are justifying it in your head, and somehow making D. and I out to be the bad guys, and to be honest, this really pisses me off. I want to add another rebuttal to something you said on Thursday night. One of your justifications for starting to shoot again was, “I am human, a lot of mother’s go through this.” Well, Dara a lot of mother’s end up neglecting their children and abusing them, so I suppose this justification works in that situation, too? I mean, they’re human, right, and there are plenty of Mother’s who do it, but it is still wrong. I think it is a good time for you to start facing the challenges in life instead of finding ways to run away. When I first asked you why you started shooting up again, you said, “to make Kirk angry.” Now, I called you on this, because we both know that is a bullshit answer. I think the reason you gave J.C. was because you are going through a Depression. If I remember right, it was I who told you I thought you might be depressed, and I didn’t do this so you could use it as an excuse. You need to find out why you are doing the things you’re doing…the REAL reasons. I think you keep waiting for the rest of the world to come in line with your list of how you want things to be, when in fact, you should focus on what you truly can control…yourself. If you are truly depressed, then this is not a cause of things, but an effect. I know you are probably thinking that I am the biggest asshole, and that I don’t care about you, but this is not true. I care about you a lot, but I am also very hurt and angry with you because I think you have taken advantage of both Darren and me. And the telling Jason C. and making sure he take Simon for a while was my way of making sure there is an advocate for Simon. I have Simon’s welfare in mind, and I will do anything to make sure he doesn’t have to know his mother as a coke junkie who can’t pull herself out of bed to get him off to school, or get up in the evening to spend quality time with him, or knowingly write bad checks to his school for lunch money, or tie his hands in his shirt and force feed him beef stew until his vomits…twice, or push him down when he tells you that he isn’t your alarm clock. And when you told him that you weren’t his alarm clock…or his toy box…well, Dara, you are, or at least should be. It would be nice if you would get your life together so you can be the mother I always thought you were. I really haven’t appreciated some of the things you have told S.…like when you said to him that D. and I would kick you both out if you got McDonalds for him, and then when I told you to not say things like that to Simon you punished him for telling us. You put Simon in a really shitty place, and you made D. and me appear to be horrible people. I don’t think it is good that you are projecting your insecurities and feelings of guilt onto a 7-year-old child who believes whatever you say because you are supposed to be the rational (mostly) mother. I want you to know, for your records, how much your part of the bills has been these past few months: Rent - 533, Utilities - 120, Water - 50, cable/internet - 66 (769.00). I am telling this to you not because it is a priority of mine, I would prefer you work on your mental and physical health first, but you do need to know this because it is your responsibility to have it paid. I am aware that you are severely overdrawn in your bank account and there is a good chance we will never see the money for rent and bills, and this is a bit disappointing, but I can deal with money issues…the trust issue is going to be the toughest for me. With your history, and you and I both know I know you pretty well, there is a good chance you probably will not see it worth it to make things right between the two of us. I will not be a bit surprised if you run from this, thinking that is easier, and find some way of justifying why I am not a good friend. I have readied myself for this, I just hope that you are able to realize that I have been a good friend to you, you have simply chose not to come to me for help. I would like to see you and Jason work something out about Simon, right now. I don’t think Simon should be living with you until you are clean and are able to be the mother that he deserves to have. I will do anything to help you out, as long as it doesn’t involve money, because right now I would not trust you with money. Simon needs advocates right now as much you need help. I can’t imagine what it must be like for you right now. I am sure you are in a very dark place, and you think that people are ganging up on you, but if you would just take a second to realize that you have hurt a lot of people, and broken a lot of trusts, you will see that people are reacting appropriately. I understand the way people act when they are depressed or using, but that doesn’t justify it, and doesn’t change the way I feel. I want you to realize how strong of a person you are and take responsibility for the things you have done. I hope you realize that there are people who have had their children taken away for some of the things you have done. In fact, I remember you making comments when Lacey was using or the things you have said about your own brother. You even said that there was no way you could get back with Kirk unless he went to AA for his drinking…don’t you think it’s a little unfair to be demanding that when you have been sticking a needle in your vein? So now, it’s up to you Dara. You need to make the tough decisions, now. You are not alone in this, no matter what you have convinced yourself. You have so many people who are willing to help, and quite a few people who claim to have your best interests in mind, but don’t really. What are you going to do? Just remember you are making decisions that effect more than just you, and there will be those making sure that S. is not hurt in all of this. I am here for you, even though you can’t see it. Love, Jason
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