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10.17.03 - 12:11 a.m.
I went to visit my grandmother at the hospital when I was home last weekend. It was good to see her, as I haven't visited since Christmas, although we do email frequently. It's not that I haven't been home, and haven't had the chance...I just never went over. She lives in this retirement community, which is really just some tiny little apartments that only old people live. She hates it, and I don't blame her. It's sort of like a geriatric nazi Germany. For example, my oldest sister, last summer, planted some petunias outside of my grandmother's front door just to make it a little less, well stark and reminiscent of death. The next day the 'manager' of the facility made her dig them up because it was against the rules to plant anything in the ground. When I was growing up I spent almost every weekend at my grandparent's house. They were a lovely couple, so kind and wise. They really made me feel like a special little guy, and they got me excited and interested in so many things. Their backyard was full of life. There were a few rose gardens, and fern patches along the garage, a vegetable garden, magnolia and crabapple trees, and this massive old maple tree that had on old metal swing hanging from its boughs. As a kid, I loved playing in that backyard, I think my favourite of the plants was the Jack in the Pulpit they had dug up from one of our outings in the woods near their house. Yeah, I had a favourite plant. I learned so much from them, like how to be kind and accepting of people, and no matter what the quarrel you should always be ready to forgive, because life is too damned short to hold grudges, and we are all really trying to learn, in our own ways...and life can be rather lonely, so it is not wise nor practical to alienate. I have been thinking about how sad it is to see decay as you get older. Well, maybe not decay, but change. As much as change is a good thing..., things fall apart before they can be rebuilt, and I have been noticing this in so many facets of my life. I think this is one of the great sadnesses of growing older. My grandmother's house is so different now without she and grandfather living in it. (He died about 6 years ago) It has a new front porch and alluminum siding. The old garage that we all had bets on, as to when it was going to fall apart has been leveled and the hedges that lined the now non-existent driveway have all been cut down. The magnolia tree is gone as is the old maple, and the ferns have long since dried up since the shade of the garage is gone, and I am most certain the old Jack in the Pulpit, being a shade plant, died along with them. Watching things change so much is something I never really expected with life. When I look at this picture of Dara, Jason C, Erin, and I and I think of all the changes we have each witnessed over the last 9 years since it was taken. Like Jason losing his father to the Mississippi river with not even a body to identify. Dara and Jason dating for just long enough to produce a wonderful son named, Simon. Erin...well I am not sure what happened to her...I know she got pregnant which was...innevitable, and me seeing so many things fall apart and new elements rise up from their ashes, not necessarily as vibrant and awesome as a phoenix, but more subtle like an exhaled breath or an exhausted sigh. We were all pretty fucked up that day...had been up for a couple days on meth.(I am not proud of my past...but it is part of me...I learned, mostly, and moved on) I got the wild idea to drive south along the Mississippi to collect Geodes along the creeks. We were attacking life, consuming it as if it was an inexhaustible resource. I realize now after my 30 years experience with this life thing, that it is more deserving of a slow appreciation. I am aware now that life has a horizon and so much changes along the way. I just wish that some people close to me would realize that it is okay to take it slow. It is the deep breaths that satsify the most. One other point about how things change...I would never, ever, wear a tie dye shirt, now. Ever. Good night.
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