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11.30.03 - 5:47 p.m. I think I am smack dab in the middle of a depression. I'm not sure of the cause and effect of it, because I haven't quite got that figured out, yet. Am I depressed because I have been thinking about upsetting things of my past, or have I been thinking about my past, because I am depressed? Regardless, it sucks. I am so utterly disappointed with the direction my life has went. I was going to DO something, not just exist. I enjoy my job, but it is just that...a job. For some reason, I'd always thought I would be making making money while doing something I really loved, but I made a lot of really stupid mistakes years ago, and now here I am, nowhere, square one at 30. When I get into this emotional state I think about all of the things I could've done, quite convinced that I wouldn't be able to achieve those things, now. Logic, tells me something quite different...anything is possible at any age, but I don't FEEL it. I feel like I am screwed. Stuck on this winding path that takes me to old age, just like everyone else that lost sight of their life's ambitions and settled for a paycheck. I've ideas in my head for a story...drawing from my life experience in the hopes to remind others like me that they can create something meaningful from really horrible things, but I can't seem to get motivated to begin. I feel so heavy. Like my heart is being drawn out through my feet...sinking into the earth below. I have such a desire to go fetal. Cocoon and wait for my wings.
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