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12.17.03 - 1:39 a.m. I've been away for awhile, again. I've just been busy with work, and spending some time wandering around in my brain...a lot of winding roads, there. So, I've sort of come to a point in my life where I realize that I can't move forward until I do a little purging. I've decided it's now time in my life to exercise a little bravery, the stuff that shakes the ground under your feet. I've been thinking a lot about my sexual abuse...yeah, I know, fun topic, and I've come to the conclusion I must do whatever's in my power to ensure it doesn't happen to anyone else. Not ever, of course, I am not that blindly hopeful, but I can make sure those close to me are safe. I've decided to tell my family, in the hopes I will curtail any abuse that may happen to one of my nieces and nephews. I had truly hoped that my grandfather would die, yes not-so-happy thought, I know, but I hoped he would die and no one would know the truth, except for us. I would keep the secret and he would keep the respect and love of the family until his untimely demise. And it is untimely, because it just hasn't happened. When I confronted him, 6 or so years ago (give or take two, as I am horrible with time-stamping events) he barely acknowledged that it happened, let alone something we had both lived with for as far back as I can remember. He made up some stupid justification about grandmother being so ill at the time, and he was so lonely. If he won't even admit it to me, and I KNOW the truth, then how can I trust that he will not abuse another boy...or girl. I have 2 nephews and 3 nieces that are all within range of the age in which I think he started molesting me. (molesting, isn't that such a horrible word...sounds like how it feels.) So, now, I have to do whatever I can to make sure they're protected. I wish I could trust in him, and believe he wouldn't do this again, but grandma is dead now, and he has to be so lonely. There's no way I could live with myself if something happened to one of them and I could have stopped it just by warning my sisters of the possiblity. I'm not looking forward to the fallout. I've seen too many made for t.v. movies to not know that this is going to be one emotional hellstorm. I do have faith in my family and the strength we all seem to have, but few recognize. I think we can come through this, all of us. Grandpa, I don't know about him...he may not weather so well, but I can't protect him anymore. It's not just about my screwed up psychological self, it's about these children. I want them to enjoy life in a way I never really could. Dramatic. I know. But you get forced to have sex with your grandfather for 10 years and see what happens to your soul.
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