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01.12.04 - 11:18 p.m. Ha! Quick crossposting of guestbooks...I think the only one holding onto this is YOU. There's nothing to release if you remove the weight and meaning of these events. You have been told these events are bad, and so you feel bad that they happened. In reality, things happen without logic or meaning and we assign them with meaning. You can look at this as 'someone touched my body' or as 'someone took advantage of me'. Society has trained you to care about something. But they never trained you to accept that it was out of your control and to let it go. Holding onto the past only corrupts your present. Example...you could be writing about making a new friend, rather than something that happened long ago - that you can never change. You are the only person who can release the past - and it doesn't take a physical action. It takes an instant change of thought. You accept that it is gone, over, done and you are still alive. from davemarr This was a guestbook entry...and, hmmmm...well I know where davemarr is speaking from, the heart, or is it the spirit...I am so out of date on the proper New Age Psuedo Eastern Philosophical responses to problems of everyday life. I kid, davemarr, but seriously, I know you meant well, and I do appreciate the gesture. However, just to clarify a few things...for starters, yes I truly comprehend the concept of 'you can be a prisoner by your own mind,' and that it is truly up to me to let go of the past. And, believe it or not, when it concerns me, for the most part, I have let go of the past. I am alive, and very much look forward to every day; not that every day is rewarding on the surface. Yes, if I stopped to appreciate the beautiful complexity of a snowflake, maybe I would be overfilled with the joys of creation, but I just don't do that on a daily basis. Call me an American. You said, "You can look at this as 'someone touched my body' or as 'someone took advantage of me'." Okay, well, see if my body was just 'touched,' sure I could let that image go, no big deal. But, see I was anally penatrated at about the age of seven. I had trouble learning how to ride a bike because I couldn't sit down that day. So, forgive me, if I have a little bit of trouble flushing some of those memories down the tube. I don't dwell...trust me, but sometimes at very odd times, I think, "Wow, I was fucked by my grandfather." Yeah, a bit disturbing. And on the topic 'disturbing...'It wasn't society who told me that what happened was wrong. You see, I'm hip to anthropology and the whole concept that so many reactions are learned reactions and we tend to mold our emotions around learned responses, but to be honest...this wasn't one of those things. When you are a small boy and being forced to have sex with an old man...and you have the conflicting feelings of the body, thoughts in the head, and sickness of the stomach, you don't need to reflect your life upon the mirror of society to see if there is something wrong with the image. Finally, I just want to say...I realize only I can release myself from the past. And really, now isn't the whole thing just a big illusion. There's no thing to release from...I'm quite aware of this, but see, there are positives and negatives to negating the past. Sure, I get to move on a grow from my past...that is good thing, but then inaction enables those who do horrible things to children to continue...and yes, to the impartial universe there are no 'horrible' things, but to a 7 year old child living within the human condition bad things do happen and emotional dues are paid. I have forgiven my grandfather, and I have grown tremendously as a person because of the things I endured as a child, and I appreciate the strengths that have grown from these moments, but that doesn't mean I am glad that it happened, or I recommend this life to strengthen the souls of other future adults. The 'Eastern' approach to life is not such a bad road. In fact, I draw a lot of my personal beliefs from the East, but then there must be some lines drawn. To take an impartial stance on child abuse is one of the reasons why it is so prevelant in our society...that, and we, as Americans, have huge hang-ups when it comes to sex, and sexuality, and these repressed thoughts and emotions get acted out in sometimes very negative ways. Oh, and finally...again...I don't just write about what 'happened long ago,' if you perhaps when back and read a few entries you will see that I am not some 1 trick pony who is caught in the past. This is just something I have been focusing on, lately. A wound doesn't heal until you dive in and feel whatever pain is there...feel it, experience it, learn from it and move on. I just needed to say a few things davemarr...perhaps you will understand that, I truly mean no ill will towards you, I just think maybe you should go back to the masters and maybe fill in some of the blanks in your teachings. Or maybe, that is my path. Who knows...we're all just discovering this life, thing, right? I wish you happiness.
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