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01.31.04 - 12:30 a.m. I haven't updated in so long. Just haven't really felt like it. I didn't like the direction my last entry was going...the whole "eastern approach" to moving on after sexual abuse is really a bunch of shit, at least to me right now. I need things to be concrete and of having emotion, not "the universe doesn't give a shit...move on, get over it." I'm not the bloody universe...I am a complex bundle of neurotic behaviours with an ego and the heart of a child. I can deny that the past affects this moment, but that doesn't take away its power, it only makes me ignorant of it. I'm tired of other people telling me how I should deal with things...as if there was an appropriate, universe sancitoned response to life and its fucked up by-products. Also...if I may continue this little tie raid (do people really raid ties?) Another thing that bugs me is people who pick apart a philosophy and follow only the little bits that they feel valid for their lives. Or, they are really good at telling you how to live your life according to a set of values or beliefs, but are no shining example of these virtues themselves. Generic 'ol Christians have a habit of doing this...you know falling flat on their face when it comes to the "judge not" principle. Moving on... I really don't feel like getting into the subject of the sexual abuse thing, because that really starts to make a characiture out of who I am...forces me into a one-dimensional frame. I will say, operation break the silence is under way, and I have told my little sister about what happened. Well, the Reader's Digest version. I see no reason to regurgitate the history for others...the details don't matter. All they need to know is to be cautious with their children, and find it in their heart for forgiveness. They're gonna be fucked up for awhile, though. And that is fine. I think this is more natural, to go through an emotional shit storm, then to think, "This is just something that happened in the past, and hell, some tribal elders rape young tribal boys as a rite of passage so it's okay if Grandpas screw Grandsons...It's all just culture and interpretation of morals." This aforementioned phenomena may be true, but things are seen and dealt with within the context of one's own culture. No matter what Buddha may have taught we, in the western world, still see things with western eyes and process things with a western brain. In short, it still fucks with our being when we are raped or molested. We still move one...we still grow from experience, but we just take a different route. There is nothing wrong with this. If the end result is silence and calm with an occasional neurotic relapse, well...we're doing pretty fucking spot on. Fuck, I wasn't going to get into this again, was I? In other news...It's a very cold night. The kind of cold that makes it hard to draw in breath. Have you ever noticed the night sky is at its most beautiful when it's most frigid, and no one is out long enough to look up and enjoy her beauty. Sometimes, I wonder if she is just really shy, and chooses to shine when no one is looking.
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