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02.04.04 - 6:46 p.m. *For some reason the formatting is really messed up in this entry...I apologize, but I'm just too tired to fix it right now.* Prologue: I wrote my mom a letter last week, and told what needed to be told. I thought an email was, for some reason, too impersonal. The funny thing is she resonded in one. Odd. Even odder...here it posted in an online journal, as is my response...to her response. Once I am through this I need to give something back. I just don't what that will be, yet. Dear Dear Jason, First I am sorry for all you have went through. You aren't the one to be sorry. Why didn't you tell me before now? I never thought dad would have done something like this. When did all this start? Was it before grandma got sick or during? Jason, i don't know how I am going to deal with this and I don't know how you have delt with this all this time. I hate my dad for what he has put you through, but then I love him because he is my dad. Now I wonder if he has done this to myself or S. Her and I don't remember much in our younger years. I don't know what to do. He isn't alone with any of the grandchildren and B. said he doesn't think dad would do this at his age, but you never know. I can't believe how I have fucked your life up between dad and T. I can never say how sorry I am and or there isn't anything I can do to make up for the fucked up life you have had. I don't know how I am going to tell S. or the girls. The family has been falling apart year by year. We don't have the closeness we use to have. How could you be in the same room with dad all these years? Are you going to talk to dad or write to him? I think you should. I don't know how he will handle it, but it has to be done. I think he has put it all behind him or maybe he has put it back in his mind and has closed it out. I don't know. This is really tearing me apart. I don't know what to do. I can never talk to him like I use to. I wish you would come home for a visit. Things aren't going to be the same. I will always have this guilt for what he has done to you. Maybe you need to get some help with this also. You need to really talk to someone who can help you. When are you going to tell your sisters? Please let me know if you want me to or let me know when you are going to tell them. Jason, please remember I love you and no matter what you do or say I do love you and always will. But now I feel like I haven't been the mother I should have to you kids. You all are a mess because of me. Please call, write, or come home so we can sort all through this. I LOVE YOU!!!!!! Love and Miss You!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mom P> Mom, First off, you have nothing to be sorry about. You can not take responsiblity for something that you knew nothing about, or had no control over. I have never blamed you for anything that happened to me as a kid. This is one of the reasons why I could never tell you; you've had a hard enough life, and I didn't want to add any more of a burden to you. Please, don't blame youself. You've always been a great mom, and I 've always been proud of you and all the great things you've taught me. As a kid I always thought that I had the coolest mom, and I still think this today. I've always felt like I was loved, and that you would always accept me for who I am, not all people are lucky enough to have a mom as great as you. You always stand by your kids and support them, no matter what desicions they make. In my eyes you will always be the best mom that there can be, don't ever think differently. I am so glad you are my mom. You wanted to know how I could be in the same room with Grandpa all of these years? It's because years ago I forgave him. It was a process, and it didn't come easy, but I did a lot of soul searching and realized that it was the only way I could move on. Like I said in the letter, I'm not telling you this because I want to hurt Grandpa. In fact, I truly wish I could have kept this with me forever, and not had to tell anyone, but I was just afraid that maybe Grandpa might do it again, although for the most part I believe he would never, but I just couldn't take that chance. I think Grandpa is a great person, a little childish at times, but still a great person despite the things that happened to me growing up. But, those things are in the past, and the only way they can hurt me now is if I let them, and I simply choose not to. Life is to great to live in the past, then you miss all the wonderful things that happen today. I have already talked to L. about this, and she was very supportive, as I knew she would be. You and her are a lot alike in that respect. You rarely judge people and have the biggest heart. You do tend to neglect your own happiness in order to make sure those around you are happy...that's another thing you have in common. Mom, I'm fine, really. Sure, sometimes I get depressed when I think about it, but I rarely do, anymore. I have made peace with myself and with Grandpa, so I don't want you to think that I go through life not able to be truly happy. Bad things happen to people all of the time, but I believe you really need to look deep and find the lesson. God never gives us more than we can handle. This is one of the few "Christian" concepts that I truly believe in. I'm much stronger, caring person today because of things of my past. We can't change them, so we better learn ways to bring good from them. I'm a little worried about telling K. and M., but I think I really should. I made a promise to myself that I would I get this out, so we can all heal and move on with our lives. They will each deal with it in their own ways, but I just hope they can find it in their hearts to forgive, because life is too short to carry hate around. It is in times like these that we have the opportunity to truly exercise forgiveness. Our family isn't 'falling' a part, Mom. It's just changing, all things do with time, and that's okay. I think so much has gotten better. Lacey is doing much better than she used to be, the grandkids are all growing up and turning out to be amazing little kids. Time changes things, that's what life is all about. If we fight it, and wish that things would stay the same, then this is when we suffer the most. We need to accept the changes and grow with them. I love our family, today and five years ago. We do have our hard times, like all families, but we'll get through this, Mom, because we're strong, and because we have a strong supportive Mother who has always been there for us, even if she never got the thanks she has deserved. I love you Mom. I will come home as soon as I can, and we'll get through this as a family. I love you, Jason
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