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07.07.04 - 11:19 p.m.
So, in my previous entry I sort of gushed on about feeling trapped...and the other night I had this amazing thought. "I have a choice." I know it sounds bloody simple, but you know, sometimes (most times) the simplest of concepts are really difficult to pull from the wackyness that is our conciousness; probably because when you come up with a very simple idea to a problem or issue someone invariably says, "But you have to live in the REAL world." What the fuck is that? "REAL" world? What other kind is there...even when you think you live in your head or in a fantasy, you're still doing it in the "REAL" world...anyway I digress...it's a sickness, really, Digression. So, as I was saying...I came to this big epiphany that I must simply take one step in a different direction to change things. One step would set me on a different path with different things...positive or negative, who knows? But! But, I will have made a desicion. I will be directing my life...just like all the other times I decided NOT to decide. Silly, I know. I put my notice in at work. This is a big deal. I have been working there for just shy of six years, and I had moved up from just a lowly phlebotomist on the donor floor, to a pretty decent position in management with a very nice salary. And I am "giving it up." Why you ask? Because it, the entity that is my job, is sucking every bit of energy out of me. Way too much of myself is being lost in something that simply gives me money. That is the other epiphany I had, that my job is just a place that gives me money,if it's not part of my life's purpose. If I am doing something simply to get cash, and not because I am proud of it, or it fulfills some aspect of my life then I shouldn't invest emotion in it. It shouldn't be killing me...dramatic, I know. One little comment on working for corporations. They're full of shit. Their handbooks gush on and on about how much they care about their employees and their families...and you know what...it's not true. I know, shocking. I will get into why I think this at a later date... Speaking of dates...I have one upstairs with D. I should get up there before he falls asleep with his glasses on, again. Yeah, it IS cute. My plans after this job. Not a clue. I am going to find another job and work. I want to focus on reading more and writing more. I think I have some good stories to tell...or maybe I'm delusional and 10 years from now, when I am digging pop cans out of an old dirty dumpster, I will pinpoint this day as the day it all went to shit. I guess I will see. g'night.
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I'm not going to write too awful much in my 'online diary' tonight, because I told D. I would meet him upstairs for some news and gurts. It's a ritual, and as much as I want to purge...I've missed a few nights of lying in bed and talking. or not talking. Either way, is fine.