|
|
07.27.04 - 11:48 p.m. It's been a couple of weeks since I have 'updated.' That's what it's called, right? "Updating." That's funny. So, it's also been a couple weeks since I "gave notice" at work. I have extended my stay there until the week of August 2nd. I've decided to do this as a favor to Jules, the Manager. Which with all history accounted for, is a strange desicion. You know...I'm starting this entry off about work and I don't know if that is what I should be purging about...something else is a brewin' in my brain. Quitting my job is a big deal, but I believe it's more of a symptom of something else going on. Sometimes, I think I'm going completly mad. I feel as if I'm just riding this huge wave that's going to throw me into the shore at anytime. I started an inertia of bad desicions years ago, and although if you just met me on the street...or perhaps at the grocery...you would think to yourself, "Well, gee, this chaps together." I'm not. It's band-aids on axe-wounds...just keeps the flesh together. Sick. I know. I'm quitting my job, because I am not happy there. I spend most of time at my job, so I am just assuming this is the source of my unhappiness. Yes, granted that place is very fucked up, and I got screwed over for a very long time. BUT, source of my unhappiness? Boy, wouldn't that be nice and neat. Hardly a characteristic of events in life...WB shows..yes, Life..No. So many people around me right now are at these crossroads. Hill-Bop one of 4 friends I have in Iowa City, or anywhere for that matter...moved to Denver yesterday. She moved in with her boyfriend...who more than likely is gay. Much more than likely. She claims to be okay with it. I think maybe she is, right now. She likes the idea of sharing space with him. Sleeping with a body and also having the option not too. I'm sure it'll work for awhile...maybe longer...but I would think eventually she will question who he likes to have sex with more, the men or the women or who he likes to sleep next to more...men or women? I guess if the majority of the nights he chooses to sleep with her then that's something. I don't know. I know I'm dependant enough to not like it when the person I'm with is sleeping with other people. Men or women. Maybe peoples' wiring is all different and some people just aren't susceptible to jealousy. That would explain a lot of the other strange behaviours I see in people everyday. Moving on...I'm gonna miss Hill BTW. Long story short on H. at work. She appears to be the perfect mom. She got a job to "get out of the house," she drives a mini-van, has a boy and a girl with blonde hair and blue eyes, her husband is a pharmacist, they have a very tidy house with heavy curtains and fabric valances. She is very wide eyed and always says "Thank you," at the end of every conversation...and always says things like, "I don't mean to be disrespectul or anything"...or "not to degrade such and such." The other day she came into my office to tell me she was filing for divorce over mental and verbal cruelty. Her husband refers to her as, "her," as in "I want her out of the house." H. just can't do anything right. The house is never clean enough, and everything that comes out of her mouth is silly and without thought, at least according to him. He walks through the house and says to her, "All this belongs to me...I earned all of it." And she says, "And I stayed home so you could do it." She'll get half. She said something I thought seemed to be a line from a movie such as Gone With the Wind... "I believe in marriage...I just don't believe in this one." I have no idea what I'm going to do when I'm done working. Yeah, so working in the blood plasma industry isn't glamorous...essentially it's farming people to make pharmaceuticals...but hey, they get 50 bucks a week and sometimes the donors get their names put in for a Playstation or Big Screen T.V.! As I was saying...It's not glamorous, but it defined me for 6 years. It even infiltrated my language. I put a lot of stock into what people "Do" for a living. I think all of us do. We allow that be one of the soul deciding factors when summing others up. And if we don't live up to the expectation we have for other people...well, then we're shit, aren't we? We all know how fun life is when you believe you are shit. Not THE Shit, because that's a good feeling. Ahh...isn't English fun! So, what I'm saying to my future self is...remember that you are quitting your job because of principles, remember that you got screwed over, buddy. Hopefully things worked out and in the future I realize what I'm supposed to be doing (Trap? Believing I'm Supposed to do something...Damn, I over-analyze.) and I will look back at these diary entries and be shit-grin glad that I chose to jump off the corporate ship and start on something else. Hell, if anything else...I'll have more time to work in the garden.
|