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07.30.04 - 12:46 a.m. This morning I had one of those very memorable early morning dreams: My Mom and I were walking in a park together and just talking about non-important things. It was a nice spring day and there were pedals floating down all around us from the flowering crab-apples that lined the walk. I told my Mom I discovered this new Super-Power. I could play any instrument just by picking it up. Mom, of course, was very interested and she asked if I could prove it. I picked up a guitar...which just happened to be lying on a park bench and prepared to play something for her. All I could play were bar chords...you know, when you hold all of the strings down at once and strum. It sounded horrible. I was very upset that my power let me down and I smashed the guitar onto the sidewalk. Mom was really shocked by my actions and she started to cry. I stared at Mom while the tears flowed down her cheeks and she looked so disappointed with my anger. All of sudden then there was POOF! and my Mom turned into a pile of Autumn leaves. Scrambling, I tried to put her back together, fumbling with the pile of leaves. I felt like I did when I was a kid and I broke something, and tried desperately to put it back together before anyone found out it was broken. I gave up, and crying I took the leaves to my step-father and explained what had happened, hoping he knew something that could bring her back. ::The Phone rang and woke me from my dream:: My mom called to tell me she was going to spend today in the hospital getting tests. Her doctor did blood work on her yesterday and her white cell count is very high. She had her hip replaced (at 51!) and also her knee in the last year, and neither one is healing like they should. The doctors are worried she may have bone cancer. We find out tomorrow if she has the "C" or not. My Mom has been falling apart all of my life. Some part of me thinks she welcomes the illnesses and syndromes...part of me thinks she just wants out. Her life has been tough, and nothing has ever come easy...or at all. She looks so tired...so unsatisfied, deeply. One of my biggest fears is losing my Mom. Losing that one person who really knows me...who has always been there for me, even when I couldn't see it. I can't imagine how alone I will feel when she is gone. Which brings me to something else... I've always wanted to make a pact with my Mom that whichever one of us goes first we promise to somehow find a way to give a sign to let the other know that we do continue on...that life is much more than randomness and chance; that there is a purpose...a continuation of spirit. I know it's odd, but I think I just want to know that she'll still be here, somehow. When people say, "Oh, she stays alive in your memories..." just piss me off. I want more than that...I want a future, not just a reliving of the past. But, what I want really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I just don't want to be without a Mom. Is that so crazy? Time for bed. G'night.
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