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08.07.04 - 9:08 p.m. Well. I had my last day at work the other day, on Friday. It was bizarre and surreal, and completly not what I expected; probably because I wouldn't feel it, therefore didn't let it affect me the way it would have if I would have been thinking, "This is my last day..." I have been working at the same place for 6 years. Sadly it was my main source for socialization. I may have noted in earlier entries that I have some sort of social anxiety. The idea of going places with D. to hang out with his friends, or even if its to hang out with my friends at a party or a not-party gathering...scares the shit out of me. First of all, let me get this straight, the fear I'm talking about is not the same kind of fear you get when someone jumps out at you from the dark. No, it's a much longer in duration kind of fear. A gripping, tightening in the chest. Dread. And it doesn't make any kind of sense, so therefore it's immune to any sort of rationalizations. That's what people don't get...you can't talk it away. People try. It's cute. The only thing that works is getting up and just going. So, then I get to be AT the particular function, feeling the way I'm feeling. That's always tons of fun. One time I went to a wedding with D. and at the reception this guy looks at me and says, "You sure don't talk much...do you?" Well, that is probably one of the absolute worst things someone could've said to me. I went outside and sat on the steps to get away from all the people. I didn't feel like I belonged with any of them, or even spoke the same language. I don't really feel like I fit in with anyone. Probably everyone feels like that, huh? Do they? So, back to work...I left the place I felt comfortable to be at for 9-12 hours a day. All the reasons I left aside, this should be a very good "look fear in the eye" sort of moment in life...or maybe I was getting scared there too and I'm heading for fetal time in the dark, sleeping 13 hours a day. I'm scared. So much shit hanging over my head. Gotta get that certified letter from the IRS (Pandora's Letter). Gotta get back in touch with my Grandmother before she dies. Gotta finish telling my oldest sister the "I got molested" story, so she'll know who to keep her kids away from. Gotta figure out what in the hell I want to DO with myself. Seriously. Gotta remember what's most important in life...Family, and keeping their stories alive. Finding some sorta chunk of happiness. Really have to figure out what this "something's missin" feeling is all about. Don't you? I really MUST read more...and write in a more concise linear fashion...maybe then life will play-out accordingly.
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