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08.19.04 - 11:06 a.m. Okay, so sometimes I don't update as often as I should. Should? So, I have been unemployed now for almost 2 weeks. I'm starting to realize how much I needed my job to help keep myself stable and in good working order. Now that I'm home a lot...and I am home A LOT...most of the time I am alone with my thoughts, and let me tell you...that can be like trying to swim with an anchor. Damn, I want to make so many changes about myself. Everyday I say, "Tomorrow will be the beginning of a whole new me." Then tomorrow comes, and I smoke some weed fairly early in the morning...and the rest of the day is me, avoiding, everything. I know what I need to do. I need to start jogging...not smoking cigs again...which I am. I need to start lifting weights, not just my ass off of this computer chair to grab another Sweet Valley Vanilla Cola. I need to start looking hard at my behaviours and my past experiences, draw some truth from them and get it on paper...start on my great American Novel, instead of filling my brain with pollutants so I can sit in a fog staring at a computer screen all day. I need to get my Birth Certificate, so I can get a new Social Security Card...so I can get a...JOB. Ugh...starting a new job, I can already feel the panic attack baddies jumping around in my chest, creating havoc. I really need to go to therapy, but I just can't seem to make myself call for an appointment. Let's analyze the aforementioned shall we? :I: just can't seem to make :myself: "My - Self." See, I'm talking as if there are two of me...one who wants to end these crazy depressive cycles and delusions of grandeur and another "me" content riding this downward sprial of addictions and poor emotional/mental outlook, because it is what He knows. Comfortable can lead to self-destruction. I'm not proud of myself. I'll need to work on that. Soon.
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