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10.07.04 - 12:17 a.m. Well, I am still unemployed, and I have no money, and so far I wasn't able to pay my share of the rent this month, or the bills, and I sold my X box to get my c-phone turned back on so prospective people can call me in response to the resumes I have put out, but no one has, yet. I'm getting pretty low. I don't really regret quitting my last job, because of the hell I went through there. I thought I had left with no hard feelings, but this is just not true. I was very good at my job, when I was a trainer, anyway. The staff and I got a long quite well, and I loved talking to the donors that came in twice a week. I've come to realize most all of my stress then came from one source, my very absent manager. I suppose I'm a little pissed that here I am unemployed, swimming in debt, and she has my old job doing quite well. I don't care if she has mental and emotional issues anymore...so do I, but I don't fuck up other peoples' lives with my falling apart. My episodes are quite contained in my little noggin'. A private battle. I have no one to turn to for help, either. My mother hasn't been able to work in over 2 years because of her health issues, and hasn't been able to claim disability, because she still has 50 flaming hoops to jump through to prove she's in constant pain. She is...she has the pills to show for it. My father won't help me, because we are, how you say, estranged. I'm alone in this, as usual...as most of us are. I'm not whining really, but it's hard to keep focus when on T.V. every family with a hard knock tale is given houses and make overs and positive reinforcement. When is my personal Oprah gonna crawl up from the woodwork and pay so I can get back into college, or help me get out of debt, or at least get my rent paid? T.V. breeds false hope in people like me who believe relief is just around the corner. The carrot at the end of the stick is unattainable. On a different note, my ex-friend Dara just recently apologized for the things she did in the past. You can start with this entry > http://mammas-pills.diaryland.com/031010_60.html The Reader's Digest version is, I opened my home to Dara and her 6 year old son, because her husband was a complete asshole and she needed some place to go. She lived here for about 3 months and never paid and cent...which wasn't a big deal until I found out she was spending the money on Coke and Pills and shootin' up in the bedroom I let her stay in. I found out when I found a needle in the bathroom next to her son's toothbrush. Anyway, long story short, I asked her to leave...after I tried to help her kick the habit, and she lied about doing so. Also, I made sure Simon was safe living with his father, although I would've gladly taken him in until she was back on her feet. I saw her a few days ago, and she now has a new stable boyfriend. He is quite a bit older than her, by about 30 years, but I think she needs that. Her father died in the bathtub from a brain clot. It was a result of being beat almost to death by police officers when he was a Black Panther in his youth. I think Dara has been looking for a Father figure ever since. Or at the very least someone to take care of them. I can understand that... Anyway, she apologized to me for all she did when she lived with D and I, and said she would find a way to back the almost 2000 dollars she owes. I told her the apology was what I really needed to hear, and we would work out something with the cash when it was actually a reality that she could pay me back. Here I am dirt poor...telling someone who owes me lots of money to not worry about it...no wonder I haven't gotten far in the U.S of A. I need a job. Or a fairy god mother...or Oprah. Man, I'm screwed.
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