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10.10.04 - 4:35 p.m. It's so hard to write in my little 'ol journal when I am depressed, which I am. Really, this is the time when I should write the most, so I may flush out my feelings, and try to understand them. But, to be quite honest, I do understand them...and I know the root cause for the most part. It's just I don't know where to start to even begin fixing the problems in my life. I feel as if I'm an anchor for D. Not the good kind that keeps things stable, but the bad kind that keeps things from moving. I know we're good together, but I'm just so embarrassed of my lack of education. Wit will only get you so far. People wanna know what you DO. I would love to go back to school, but I fucked up so badly in the past with my finances...as in not paying back student loans...or paying ANYTHING back for that matter, that no one, not even a thug loan shark would think about giving me a penny. I accept the blame. I'm not going to blame someone else for my ill-preparedness for life. I made a lot of bad desicions when I was young and reckless and now I'm paying for them. My credit is shot and my financial and professional future is bleak at best. I suck at being an American. Another product of my past is my teeth. I know my year of Meth use, 11 years ago, stripped my teeth clean of the good protective enamel. I'm sure if I was an addict any longer I'd probably be toothless. Also, I had a tounge piercing and had a habit of biting down on it accidentally which cracked at least two of my back teeth. A few years ago I had two root canals started, but I never returned to the dentist to have them filled or crowned. Now, the "temporary filling" has eroded enough that I'm quite aware I'm the verge of some painful mouth issues. I believe one of the main reasons I didn't go back was fear. Not so much the fear of the dentist...or fear of pain, but just the generic fear of certain social situations. I know it sounds ridiculous, and it is really, I don't understand why I get so freaked and anxiety ridden when it comes to talking with people. Just talking. So now, I'm without a job and have no insurance. If I were to get a severe toothache I don't know what I would do. The pain aside, my teeth just add to my feeling of self-loathing. I rarely smile, and when I do, I tend to curl my lips over my teeth to prevent anyone getting a glimpse of my cracked back tooth. I'm not a bad looking guy, but I feel like such trash it's hard for me to totally believe it. Because I was molested as a child. (Oh, no not that tangent again!) I feel dirty and damaged. I feel as if a part of me was broken and I was never fixed. I can get through the anger and learn to forgive, but I just can't get passed the feeling as if I really don't matter. I need help. And not just mentally and emotinally, but I need someone to help dig me out...to help get me started again, but this isn't going to happen, and I just don't know if I have the emotional fuel to get there myself. I'm feeling rock bottom. I'm feeling ugly and worthless and wish I could disappear and come back as someone new. I'm not talking suicide...I'd go catatonic to escape before I kill myself. I just want a new start. A do over. But we don't get those...no get out of jail free cards. I screwed myself.
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