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10.26.04 - 1:18 a.m. Once again I begin my entry with...I haven't written in awhile. To be honest not much has been happening...it's odd how doing nothing, no-thing, can have such an influence on you, or me in this case. I have noticed that I really do define who I am by a job. Well, not so much define myself based on the job, but I see myself in a different light when I don't feel I am contributing to the household, or to society. I'm being a horrible consumer! :) My mother is coming in the morning with my Aunt to stay here in the guest room for about a week. My mother is have back surgery and will be in the hosptial for a few days before coming here to re-coop. My mother has had SOOO many surgeries the past few years. I don't believe it is purely just 'her body falling a part." I guess I believe there's stuff she doesn't want to face in her life and her body is 'falling a part' as a way of letting her not think about these things. Yes, we are all so dramatic in the way we deal with things in our families...or not in this case. My 'depression' as I am calling it...well, it's quite absurd. I hate the fact I can't logic through my emotional "spells." They always seem so ridiculous in retrospect. If I don't get things under control, though, I'm sure Darren is going to run out of patience with me. He already said after I ditched going to his friends' wedding in Wisconsin that he can't be with me if I can't be a part of his life. I understand this, I really do. My problem with social situations escapes me. I'm a very outgoing person once I get there, and I'm witty and thoughtful...but it's just the getting there...that's the tough part. Self-esteam, maybe...but damn if that isn't the label of all labels...or SOCIAL ANXIETY...what the fuck were people before the labels? The cat lady? The crazy man on the hill? I told D. if things didn't work out with us I would most definately move. He seemed shocked by this...as if I would just move into the guest bedroom and we could then become the odd couple...without the sexual inuendo. I just don't want to be his friend...is that selfish? Probably. But there are just some loves of your life that you just can't see in any other context. Well, not up close. Who knows maybe after I run off to tibet to find my spiritual center, I'll come back and be best of friends with him and his new lover. Ugh, now that's sickening...however, a spiritual center would be quite nice at this point in my life. I still have my heart on being a writer. Think I need to expand the 'ol vocabulary and maybe not be so lazy...and probably learn to begin sentances with words other than "the," or I. But then I think, "Why do I think I have something to say?" Self esteem? Nah... I want to take a minute to thank the folks who left messages in my guestbook and 'notes.' Even the vague ones. ;) It's odd that I would want feedback on my journal. At one time it was something I hid under the mattress...next to my porn. Now, that says something I'm sure. I suppose it is a bit narcisstic of me to post a live journal, but if I ever am to be a writer it's a good enough start. And it's therapeutic to go back and read what I write when I'm truly daft. Well, it's late...need to get some sleep.
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